There are two types of people in this world. Those who enjoy getting up early and those who are normal human beings. The vast majority of us are in the latter because we have common sense. I genuinely wonder are morning people for real or are they just lying to both themselves and to us. Getting up in the morning is the worst part of many a girls day, so to display my sense of understanding, here are thoughts that we non-morning women especially, have every morning.
9)"Snooze, where's snooze? SNOOZE YOU FUCKER."
There you are, minding your own business, happy as can be when suddenly a 'BEEP-IDY BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEPPPP' horrific sound, shocks you from your slumber. How very dare it. What did you ever do to deserve this treatment? All you want is some peace and to go back to you weird sleazy little dreams. Hit snooze. Those seven minutes will make it all seem ok.
8) "I suppose I should really get up now."
After your blissfully uninterrupted few minutes between the alarm going ninety and you beating it quiet, there comes that moment when you realise that you'll really have to get up now. Pulling yourself up from your wonderfully cosy nest is the worst part, add a freezing cold winter morning and a wooden floor into the mix and you're pretty much ensured a miserable time all round.
7) "Why did I stay up so late last night?"
I ask myself this question every single morning after I've whittled away valuable hours the previous night, hours when I should have been sleeping and not watching some absolute shite on telly once again. It's only when you can barely peel your eyelids apart after less than five hours of sleep, that you convince yourself that tonight, tonight is the night when a nine pm deadline will happen. IT WILL AND IT MUST.
6) "Is there a job out there for me that doesn't involve getting up before half eleven?"
This is a genuine question I have also asked myself. This, and wondering if a life of being on the dole is for me. The answer to both is no, but when getting up at six on a freezing cold December morning is making you want to curl up and cry, just convince yourself otherwise. Denial is acceptable and responsible behavior.
5) "Is my hair too greasy not to wash?"
Somewhere between snoozing your alarm for the fifth time and giving yourself that motivational "getting up now" talk, your hair washing window was vastly reduced. As all of us girls know, this is a serious problem. To be scummy or not to be scummy, that is the question. Dry shampoo is your best friend in this helpless situation. Yes, you may have to spend the day with puffy white roots but alas, at least you won't be asked to stand still and act as a human frying pan. Winning.
4) "Will I get away without make-up today?"
Here is a simple test to determine the answer to that question. Are you a part time model? If the answer to this is no and you too are a mere mortal, then you'll probably need to paint your face on too. I know. It's days like this that women everywhere wish we were men. You natural beauties you.
3) "Oh shit, I have no clean clothes."
If you live at home then this is unlikely to apply to you, as you have a little thing known as "Mammy the laundry genie." Well for ya. Nothing is as lovely as the morning panic to find a pair of jeans that don't have tea spilled all over the crotch and/or dried in chocolate on the arse, meaning you will look like you've shat yourself. It is during this time that we usually tell ourselves that from now on, we'll keep on top of the washing. It's similar to the 'going to bed early lie' that we tell ourselves, in that it will never happen. Nice try though.
2) "Breakfast or near starvation until lunch?"
I'm always a little stunned by people who say that don't eat breakfast. WHY? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Do you realise that by not eating breakfast you're creating an extremely large gap in your eating schedule. Are you not hungry? Are you crazy? One must always make time for breakfast. ALWAYS.
1) "Please GOD, don't say it's raining outside today,."
There's always that heart pounding moment before you open the curtains, where you think that maybe, just maybe, today will be the day when the rain bypasses you on its trip of doom around the country. You think that maybe you'll get lucky and today you won't have to spend the day looking like a drowned rat with soggy feet. You look outside and you're out of luck once again. It's raining more than men out there and we are not thinking hallelujah.