OK, so this is for all those who are completely disgusted by public displays of affection, you are not alone, I share your disgust. If your are truly, madly, deeply (thanks Savage Garden) in lovey dove with the other half of your couple you may turn back...because I don't want to be listening to your stomach churning arguments against what I say below...I speak the truth..you all need a wake up call.
1. PDA's & Constantly writing love notes on each other’s Facebook walls
Public displays of affection sicken me to my stomach, whether they are in public or online, the infatuation is not based in reality and is more like a Hollywood script that and makes you look like a pair of morons. Please stop this crime against humanity, it makes me feel like I have to gouge my eyeballs out.
2. Referring to your significant other as “pet” or other form of vomit inducing pet name..
Your other halves parents christened him for a reason and it wasn't so you could turn around and decided henceforth you shall be known as "snugglebunny" or "my little snookums", "flower" or "angel farts" (thanks Mikey!)...these are crimes against the English language. Actually scrap that, these are crimes against the animalistic noises that our ancestors made thousands upon thousands of years ago. You are setting us back light-years with your couple orientated ways...Seriously? How do two people, educated, raised perfectly etc manage to turn into bumbling fools around each other...and don't say you've never seen such a thing..because if you haven't then you and yours are the culprits.
3. Replacing every third word with “babe” or “baby”
These people don't have to be bumbling messes but the word babe or baby needs to stop because a) they are not a talking Pig who wants to become a sheepdog and who also happens to have a heart of gold or b) 6 months old.
4. Transforming from “I” to “we.”
We did this, we did that...it's grating. Is it possible for me to do something on their own? Doesn't seem likely. It happens quite suddenly too...one second it's Ian and I and the next..BOOM..full on Optimus Prime from a truck into a massive big monster robot WE. Ian and I will do just fine thanks!
5. Saying your partner doesn’t “let you” do something
"Oh I would love a drink tonight but s/he doesn't let me drink mid week" Let's see...how do I say this and be subtle at the same time....oh yes. GROW A PAIR OF BALLS.
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